For many people, it’s easier to access their emotions and feel open when they’re alone.
Sharing your heart and authentically opening up to others is a necessary ingredient for intimacy and healthy relationships, but it often isn’t easy as this requires safety and vulnerability.
Due to our past experiences, we may be conditioned that it’s unsafe to be vulnerable. Maybe we got hurt or were made wrong by others for unveiling our truth. Those occurrences create our shadows and defences and greatly impact our future relationships and experiences.
Daring to be vulnerable can help you digest your fears as you’re received and witnessed by others. In this teaching, I show you how we all need safety in order to come into our hearts.
What supports vulnerability
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Vulnerability needs to be witnessed by other(s) and is a critical ingredient in both our horizontal in and horizontal outDirections of Joy.
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Remember that you do not need to be ‘fixed.’ In fact, acting from the internal pressure to change any part of you to be different than you are can actually keep you ‘stuck.’ We need to allow ourselves to be okay just as we are, before we can change who we are.
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If you’re ever feeling unsafe to receive from another (attention, words, touch, etc.), but you’d like to be able to receive more, ask yourself the question, “Is there anything that I need right now in order to feel more relaxed and safe?”
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It’s scary to ask for what you want, and the truth is that you won’t always be met, seen and received in the way that you want to. The question then becomes, “What do I need in order to show up anyway?”
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We need to surround ourselves with people in our lives who we know will support us.
Recording Notes
Session One
A participant named Raymond describes wanting to bring more vulnerability into his relationship after four years with his partner. He notices he can access tears privately, for instance watching a film alone, but shuts down as soon as a real relationship becomes intimate. Christian guides him to trace this pattern back to childhood losses, the deaths of family members, and to a private decision he made as a boy: "No one is ever getting in here again." Rather than treating this as a fault to fix, Christian points out that being witnessed while sharing it can be part of exploring it. Christian also recounts his own experience at an early personal development retreat, where he went in determined to cry and found that the pressure and demand he placed on himself blocked the very release he wanted. The tears came later, alone, once the pressure was gone. He mentions that he has since found his own safe spaces, the bathroom in particular, for accessing emotional depth with a partner.
Session Two
A second participant describes discomfort taking the microphone and a fear of being seen in the group. Christian encourages her to notice the split between the part of her that wants to run and the part that stays, and introduces the idea of an inner "mini me" voice that can track feelings such as tension or judgement without needing to resolve them immediately. He then guides her toward asking directly for something small and specific, a hand on her shoulder, and observes with her how it feels to ask, to receive, and to remain standing even knowing not everyone in the room will meet her the same way.
Both sessions demonstrate the article's central point: vulnerability is not something to force or fix in isolation, shared vulnerability involves a witness, and support can be built by identifying and asking for what is actually needed in the moment.
You do not have to share more than you want to, or accept touch to demonstrate openness. A request can be declined, and an unsafe response is a reason to reconsider the setting or seek other support.
Moving from Guarded to Vulnerable
- Notice where you feel safe expressing emotion (alone, or in a private space)
- Track the physical sensation when a loved one is present instead
- Ask, is there anything I need right now to feel more relaxed and safe
- Name a specific, small request to another person
- Notice the response and choose what feels appropriate, including pausing or seeking different support.
