The Acknowledgement Process begins by noticing what we do when contact becomes difficult. We may withdraw, become demanding, try to fix someone or keep a resentment to ourselves.
Understanding how we close
Christian uses S.T.U.A.R.T as a name for the protective habits that keep us behind a defensive boundary. It is a teaching metaphor. The question is whether a familiar strategy still helps in the relationship we are in now.
Naming your own contribution
The practice asks us to describe our behaviour plainly and recognise its impact. This can create room for a more honest conversation, without requiring the other person to respond in a particular way. Acknowledging your own behaviour does not mean accepting responsibility for someone else’s harmful actions.
Shalini’s account below shows how this unfolded in one conversation with her partner.
Through the Eyes of a Student
By Shalini Tewari
My partner and I are driving together in tense silence. We are on our first trip away together since our relationship began. I had imagined a far different reality than the one currently taking place. Silence, tension, anger, sadness, and regrets pervade my inner space.
I perceive indifference and aloofness in him, which makes the whole situation unbearable. I start to notice thoughts about how much money I’ve spent to be on this trip, and this brings a new level of toxicity in my mind.
I need to take pause. I take a deep breath and focus on the nature outside instead.
‘*These are the moments to implement the practices you’re learning. What’s the point if you cannot apply the tools in real life?’*I remember thinking to myself.
We arrive at our destination and I choose to let myself off the hook. I’m pissed, and that’s okay. Part of the journey is learning to feel good in feeling bad.
Luckily, we both have a level of maturity to be able to enjoy the destination we’ve come to explore without holding on to any animosity. We are amicable with one another, not superficially, but in a genuine way, knowing we will address what needs to be addressed when the time is right.
Feeling that time has arrived, I decide to kick off the conversation by using this week’s practice, acknowledging what I do in the relationship that doesn’t work. It takes all I have to stop myself from pointing the finger at him for his earlier explosion during breakfast.
But I come into my heart and take the first step to acknowledge my role in all of this.
‘What I did last night that didn’t work was when I told you to do the dishes and clear the food, I didn’t communicate what was really going on for me, and so my tone came across as demanding.
I felt tired and unsupported in the meal preparations, but instead of asking you for your help, I held it in and it came out as an unhealthy expression.
What’s coming up for me now is how my mother used to do the same and instead of ask for help, she would get angry out of nowhere. We would all be so surprised as there was never any indication prior to this that she needed help. We later learned that she wished we would notice and offer instead of her having to ask.’
I take a beat here to check in with my partner. He seems open and relaxed compared to earlier. Without needing to ask, he checks in with his own acknowledgment.
‘Thank you for sharing. I acknowledge that I could have communicated my feelings last night instead of reacting this morning to something unrelated.
I get how you would have been surprised by my reaction in that moment, as it did not fit the situation at hand. I held on to my resentment from the night before instead of openly communicating it with you. I can see how that created tension between us.’
I am in awe of how seamlessly this is flowing. I ask him if he’s open to my sharing other defense strategies that I am aware of employing when both him and I are in pain. I notice how good it feels to take ownership for the role I play in widening the gap in my relationships.
‘What I do that doesn’t work is that when I am in pain, I give you ultimatums to test your level of commitment. I can get needy at times and become oversensitive and suspicious of your actions and intentions.
When you’re in pain, I sometimes try to fix or solve your problems, or judge you as being stuck in a powerless mentality.
I notice that as I share this judgment with you that I am actually judging that same part in me. And this makes me feel compassion and tenderness for those parts that reside within us both. This makes me feel closer to you.’
Both of our bodies are completely relaxed now. We’ve moved closer toward one another both physically and energetically, and the very large gap that had been created from this morning has completely closed.
In the acknowledgment and ownership of our defense strategies, we could understand the many ways that we protect our hearts and remain closed. And by revealing these mechanisms to one another, we opened up and came more deeply into connection.
Recording Notes
The accompanying recording frames this week's practice through the idea of S.T.U.A.R.T as a neurological, emotional and energetic perimeter, described as a thin invisible membrane that decides what comes in and what goes out. The teacher uses the analogy of a bomb disposal expert to make a point about why studying our own defence mechanism matters: you cannot safely disarm something you do not understand in detail, and the same is true of the habits that keep our hearts closed.
Two things to track
- What you do when you yourself are in pain, how you close, shut down, or defend
- What you do when your partner or someone else is in pain, how you defend against feeling their contraction, defence, attack or withdrawal
Why naming it out loud matters
The recording makes a distinction between openings that happen to us, such as being moved unexpectedly by a film while staying closed the rest of the time, and openings we can access through our own understanding of ourselves. The Acknowledgement Process is offered as a way to move from the first kind of opening toward the second, by naming defence strategies plainly and without collapsing into shame or blame, simply stating what we do and what doesn't work.
The Acknowledgement Process
- Notice the moment of disconnect or pain
- Track your own defence strategy, what you did and how you closed
- Speak it plainly to your partner without shame or blame
- Give your partner room to respond in their own words.
- Notice what has changed and what still needs attention.
