One of the foundations of Heart iQ is learning to meet ourselves with more acceptance. In this teaching I explore how that changes the quality of contact we can bring to a relationship.
Loving what is
I describe the work as expanding emotional and energetic range through accepting who we are, without making every difficult feeling a problem to remove. In my experience, the way I relate to myself affects what I can receive from another person. That does not mean someone must achieve perfect self-love before they can love or be loved.
Joy as a quality of presence
The purpose of relationship, in my experience, is to enjoy it. I know that sounds almost too simple, but to understand why, you first have to redefine what joy actually is. Joy is not happiness. It is not a state on an emotional scale where sadness sits at the bottom and joy sits somewhere near the top, as though it were better to be up there than down here. Joy is the awakened moment where you relax into your own goodness, a moment by moment realisation you can wake up to or fall asleep to, in which you drop through relaxation and safety into your own intrinsic goodness. That goodness can show up as sadness, anger, worry or power, because joy is not a fixed feeling, it is an emergent quality of presence to whatever is moving in you. You can be in joy in your sadness. You can be in joy in your anger. The purpose of relationship is to hold all of it, to be both the container and the contained, and to bring your presence and your light to whatever arises.
I believe there is a core of goodness in each person. In the recording, I describe joy as being in contact with that goodness while allowing different feelings to be present. This is how I use the word in Heart iQ, rather than a definition of happiness or a clinical account of depression.
Harm and unmet needs
The teaching distinguishes between harmful experiences and the absence of needed care. Both can matter, including when practical needs were met but emotional contact was missing. How those experiences affect someone varies. A relationship can offer support, and it can also cause further harm when safety and boundaries are not respected.
Understanding protective habits
I use the word stewards for strategies that once helped us cope but may now limit contact. Withdrawing, distracting ourselves or trying to manage how others see us can serve a protective purpose. I want to understand that purpose before asking a person to change. Going too quickly can create more pressure rather than more freedom.
Feeling without acting everything out
I do not treat anger or sadness as inherently wrong. We can notice a feeling and explore it without making every impulse into an action. For me, loving what is includes becoming more responsible for how we express what we feel. That is a practice we return to, rather than a state we achieve once.
Two Forms of Early Wounding
Invasive wounding
Something was present that shouldn't have been, such as sexual, emotional or physical abuse, breaking through a child's sense of safety.
Neglect wounding
Something was absent that should have been there, such as being truly seen, felt and emotionally met, even when physically cared for.
