In March 2006, I was hired by Neale Donald Walsch and his ‘Conversations with God Foundation' to run a weekend retreat in Australia. My weekend was part of a larger two-week training that involved other facilitators, including Tej Steiner, the founder of Heart Circles.
Tej is a brilliant man. He’s a visionary ‘social architect’ who has dedicated his life to creating models that bring people into their heart - models that I use in my work to this day.
An unexpected challenge
On that beautiful first morning of my retreat in Sydney, I was excited to have Tej in my event. However, things didn't go exactly to plan.
Although Tej and I eventually became close, our first encounter was epic, and challenged me to my core...
My event began with everyone sitting in a U-shape formation with me at the front. At this time of my life, my facilitation style was the traditional ‘teacher in front of the room,’ and I used an authoritarian, confrontation-based approach. I was still quite heady and not yet embodied in my body, so it was hard for me to really tune-in and feel people on the more subtle levels as I do today. However, what I didn’t have in emotional sensitivity, I made up for with my passion, drive and clarity.
I remember the first night having an exchange with one of the participants, and I pushed her too far. Tej didn’t say anything at the time, but the air was tense.
On the final day, what happened was probably the most challenging moment of my facilitating career. I was in dialogue with the same participant, and once again, I was wearing my ‘confrontational hat.’ Intuitively, I knew it was going to end well, but in the moment, it looked like it was going nowhere. It seemed we were at an impasse. Now, after doing countless retreats, I had been in moments like this before and knew where it was heading, but before I could continue, Tej couldn’t hold back any longer, and he interrupted the process.
“I’m sorry, I can’t let this continue,” he said. “This woman is clearly going into shock and I can’t, in full integrity, sit here and let this happen.”
The whole room went quiet. I tuned in and got present. I knew that what I was going to say and do right then would determine the outcome of the entire retreat and the experience that the participants would remember. I took a breath and asked Tej what he wanted.
He said, “I want us to all get into circle, and I would like to take over and continue the retreat.”
Talk about having the rug pulled from under my feet. From my perspective, I had two choices. I could either stand my ground or let him take over. I chose to make a stand. Why? Everything in my life up to that point had taught me to meet my challenges head-on rather than to collapse and give up. I knew I had the resources to handle this moment.
Through standing my ground gently yet firmly, Tej relaxed enough for the retreat to proceed. Later that day, he expressed his newfound respect for me as a facilitator, after showing that I could hold it all together in a critical moment and not cave in.
Learning from Tej
After my event was complete it was time to switch roles and participate in Tej's circle. Watching Tej weave his magic during his portion of the event over the next four days was simply breath-taking. He was absolutely right. His model, method and approach was far superior to what I was doing back then. However, I didn’t regret my decision to hold my ground when he wanted to take over my retreat. I was glad I had the strength to claim my value, but I’m also glad I had the courage to stay and see his. By the end of the first day, I knew I wanted to learn everything I could about Tej’s approach and master the Heart Circle Model.
Taking circle work into my own practice
After my first retreat with Tej, I decided to immediately apply the circle format to the retreat I had scheduled in Bali just two weeks later, with 38 people! Tej recommended I start with no more than 20.
He was right. The event nearly killed me! The amount of energy it took to hold, contain and guide an amplified field of 38 different frequencies was enormous, especially as this was the first time I had ever tried it. Most people start with a few friends in their lounge. Not me! I dived from the highest diving board in the pool and did a massive belly flop. Ouch! But that’s how I do it in my life. I throw myself into the deep end and trust that life will hold and support me.
By the end of the year, inspired to learn more, I moved to Oregon, USA to work with Tej more closely as I deepened my practice of Heart Circle under his guidance and five years later I was honoured to invite him onto my stage at my first Heart Summit in Miami in front of 250 in 2012. Writing this account almost fourteen years after that first meeting, I was still turning to Tej for coaching and guidance.
Watch Tej's Presentation at my 2012 Heart Summit
If you haven't already done so, I recommend reading his book on how to create and facilitate a Heart Circle, combined with his poetry. I found it insightful and genuinely practical, and if you love Heart iQ and what it's about, you'll likely value this book too.
About the recording
The supplied recording is Tej Steiner's own presentation of the Heart Circle model, given as part of a Heart iQ event. It is useful background to the article because it shows the method Christian eventually learned from Tej.
The five elements Tej describes
Tej outlines five qualities he sees as basic to Heart Circle practice and to consciousness more broadly: having a living sense of purpose, being able to enjoy stillness, being real (tracking and communicating your own internal experience), connecting one-on-one with another person, and following what you want next rather than old conditioning. He is clear these are his own observations from decades of running circles, not a claim of universal scientific fact.
The circle agenda
He describes a simple structure a Heart Circle typically follows: agreeing group agreements once, tuning in together in stillness for a few minutes, doing a short check-in where people speak from an unplanned "pop-up" rather than a rehearsed answer, a brief "connect-in" of spontaneous compliments or questions between members, and then holding space for individuals to explore what they want. The circle closes by each person quietly checking whether they feel complete.
Note on facilitation
Tej is careful to say there is "no doing" required and no one policing whether someone is practising the five elements correctly, describing it instead as a way of being that a group cultivates together. He also stresses that a circle needs someone who already holds these qualities before it can be self-directed.
This recording is a good companion to the article for readers who want to understand the model Christian describes learning, rather than only the story of how he came to learn it.
Heart Circle session structure as described by Tej Steiner
- Set group agreements once, revisited as needed
- Tune in together in a few minutes of stillness
- Check in with an unplanned response to how you feel
- Connect in with a spontaneous compliment or question to another person
- Hold space for individuals to explore what they want
- Close by checking inwardly whether you feel complete
