This piece grew out of a Q&A session with participants who were exploring trauma, personal growth, and what it takes to serve others while still healing themselves. I want to share how I answered some of the questions that came up, because they're questions I hear often.
Personality and the wish to fix people
Someone asked how you can tell whether a person's behaviour comes from trauma or is simply who they are. I don't think a person can be reduced to a single explanation. In this conversation, I also share my spiritual belief that personality has something to do with the soul. That is how I understand it personally.
In a circle, I am not trying to diagnose someone or find a deficiency to correct. I want to create space for people to meet themselves and build a better relationship with their different parts. That can include joy, tenderness and sadness. I value the capacity to feel heartbreak, while recognising that each person needs to find their own pace.
Staying open on hard days
One participant told me their intention was to be more accepting, to stop trying to fix people, and to let their heart stay open. I loved that intention, and I also had to be honest with them. Some days our hearts close, no matter how much we try or how much we'd love it to be different. What matters is what we do in that moment of closure. Can we love our closure as much as our opening?
I return to forgiveness, gentleness and self-compassion on the days I fall short of my own ideals. Perhaps I have slipped back into trying to fix someone, or struggled to be present with people I love. I can acknowledge that honestly and still give myself the chance to begin again.
Facilitating while still learning
Another participant asked whether it feels inauthentic to guide others while still discovering fragmented parts of yourself. I am still discovering those parts too, and sometimes I am harsh on myself. I don't see personal perfection as the condition for contributing. For me, the work asks for compassion, honesty about where I am, and an ongoing commitment to learning. That includes recognising the limits of what I can offer.
In the recording, I describe Heart iQ coming to me as a transmission in the year 2000. That is my personal account of how I experienced it. I have spent the years since trying to live more fully what I felt then. There is still a gap between what I understand and what I can consistently embody.
If I had waited for that gap to disappear before beginning, I might never have started. We teach what we need to learn the most. I try to remain in relationship with that tension, rather than pretending I have resolved it.
My response to the participant was to keep serving in the ways they can, while continuing their own work. The invitation is to bring what is real and available, with enough humility to keep receiving feedback.
Two responses to someone else's trauma or struggle
Fixing
Approaching the person as a problem the facilitator must correct.
Meeting
Creating a space where the person can explore their own potential and build a relationship with all their parts, without the facilitator trying to alter who they are.
