This piece comes from a question I received after posting a video about regulating a child's nervous system. Someone asked me directly: if I was a single parent, or I simply didn't have this knowledge available to me, and my child has already passed through those early formative years, is it too late? Is there still something I can do?
I want to offer some reassurance around this, along with a few of my own opinions.
Why the early years matter, but don't decide everything
Young children are developing their ability to manage strong feelings and depend heavily on responsive support from caregivers. The early years matter, but a birthday does not become a deadline after which connection has no value. A parent's presence, a response to a child's signals, and help with a difficult moment can all be part of that support.
That is a beautiful vision. It is also not most people's day-to-day reality. I am not a proponent of holding parents to a perfectionist, idealised standard and then letting them beat themselves up when life didn't look like that. Most of us did the best we could with the knowledge we had at the time. When new knowledge arrives, it gives us the chance to do something differently, not a reason to judge what came before.
Beginning from where you are
I don't believe shame about the past helps us become more available now. There may be moments we wish we could have handled differently. We can acknowledge those and practise responding with more presence today. Self-compassion can make that practice more possible in a culture that often leaves parents carrying too much alone.
In the recording, I describe the possibility of being met differently after an earlier experience of not being heard. A shared moment of attention, a hand held when it is welcome, or someone listening without rushing to fix things can be meaningful. I use the phrase 'corrective experience' for that possibility. It is an invitation to keep building connection, rather than a promise that one interaction will resolve the past.
Support through relationship
Co-regulation involves support from another person. In the recording I talk about presence, slowing down and shared breath, as well as touch. Contact needs to be welcome. For some people, quiet company or listening will be more helpful than eye contact or an embrace.
Within Heart iQ, I use 'tribal regulation' to describe practising this kind of supportive presence in a group. People may breathe, tone or sit together, while remaining free to choose what feels appropriate. The emphasis is on learning to notice ourselves and respond to one another.
The most important gift
I'd suggest the most important thing any of us can offer our children is to become a more self-connected, more feeling version of ourselves, someone present with whatever is alive in us, including the parts that haven't always been welcome. When we hold ourselves in tension and disconnection, it becomes harder to be truly present for others.
So while the earliest years carry a particular kind of impact, there is never a bad reason to bring an attuned, open heart to the people we love, whatever their age. The invitation is simply to keep practising it, starting now.
For further reading on responsive relationships in childhood, see the Harvard Center on the Developing Child’s guide to serve and return.
Co-regulation versus tribal regulation
Co-regulation
Support from another person through responsive attention, listening or welcome contact.
Tribal regulation
Christian’s term for exploring supportive presence together within a Heart iQ group.
