The Shadow Side of Openness

I TEACH PEOPLE TO STAY OPEN FOR A LIVING AND IT ALMOST DESTROYED ME

I want to tell you something I've never shared publicly before. And it might change the way you think about the work I do.

For 25 years I've been guiding people into openness. Into their hearts. Into their bodies. Into connection. I've built my entire life around the idea that staying open is the practice, that feeling more is the medicine, that dropping your defences is how you come home to yourself.

And I still believe that. Deeply.

But there's a shadow side to openness that almost nobody in my world talks about. And I've been living inside it for longer than I'd like to admit.

If you read my last post about my health journey and CIRS, you know I've been dealing with a body that can't process what it takes in. Toxins that other people clear without thinking about it just accumulate in my system. And a few months ago, something clicked that went beyond the physical.

I started to realise that my body wasn't just struggling with environmental toxins. It was struggling with energetic ones too.

Let me explain what I mean by that.

When I'm in a circle facilitating, something happens in my system that I've only recently been able to name. I don't just hold the space. I absorb it. I take in what people are feeling, what they're processing, what they're moving through. And for years I thought that was my gift. I thought that was what made me good at this work.

But here's what I didn't see. Somewhere along the way, the line between me and the people I was serving started to blur. I wasn't just empathising. I was merging. I wasn't just feeling with people. I was feeling for them. And I couldn't always tell where they ended and I began.

And it goes even deeper than that.

**Comment OPEN below if this is landing. I'll explain why at the end.**👇

The hardest thing I've had to confront is this. I wasn't just facilitating community. I was looking for home inside it. I was trying to find belonging in the very space I was supposed to be holding. And when you do that, when the facilitator needs the circle as much as the circle needs the facilitator, something subtle but significant breaks down. You lose the ability to fully show up for the people you're there to serve because part of you is looking to be served.

That's enmeshment. And it's the shadow side of everything I teach.

I had a dream a few weeks ago where I was being attacked. It didn't feel distant or symbolic. It felt immediate and physical and real. I woke up and the feeling wouldn't leave. And what it showed me was something I didn't want to see. That parts of my system are too permeable. That being open without boundaries isn't strength. It's exposure.

When your system is highly sensitive, when you feel everything, when your body is already overwhelmed by what it's trying to process, then openness without discernment becomes dangerous. Not just emotionally. Physically. And I believe that's part of what my illness has been trying to teach me.

So I've been sitting with a question that goes against almost everything I've taught for 25 years.

What if being too open isn't always growth? What if sometimes it's the very thing that's making you sick?

And here's where it gets uncomfortable. Because the answer I'm arriving at doesn't cancel out the work I do. It deepens it. Real openness isn't about letting everything in. It isn't about feeling everything without a filter. It isn't about collapsing your boundaries in the name of connection.

Real openness is being permeable with structure. Sensitive with discernment. Available to others without abandoning yourself.

I spent years thinking that boundaries were the opposite of openness. That if I was truly heart-led, I shouldn't need walls. What I've learned, sometimes painfully, is that boundaries aren't walls. They're what allow you to stay open without losing yourself. They're the container that makes the openness safe.

Without that container, what looks like depth is actually enmeshment. What looks like connection is actually fusion. And what looks like a gift can quietly become the thing that burns you out, makes you sick, and leaves you unable to do the very work you were put here to do.

If you've ever felt overwhelmed by your own sensitivity. If you've found yourself losing your centre in connection with others. If you've ever walked away from a conversation, a relationship, or a room full of people feeling like you're carrying something that isn't yours. You're not broken. And it's not a flaw.

It's a signal that your system doesn't need less openness. It needs better boundaries.

I'm still figuring this out in real time. I don't have it all worked out. But what I've learned so far has changed how I facilitate, how I relate, and how I take care of my own body. And it's going to change what I teach.

If any of this resonates, I'm running a free three-day live experience next week called The Heart iQ Experience.

Comment OPEN below and I'll send you the link. 👇

March 24th, 25th, and 26th. Three consecutive sessions on Zoom. 8pm CET, 7pm UK, 3pm Eastern, 12pm Pacific. 90 minutes each. Replays available for 48 hours.

Here's what we'll move through:

Day 1, Personal Practice. A live somatic experience that brings you back into your body. You'll feel what it means to expand your capacity to be with what's actually present without needing to fix or change it. This is the foundation.

Day 2, Relational Practice. This is where it gets real. A guided practice designed to open connection between you and another person while staying rooted in yourself. Powerful on its own. Even more powerful if you bring someone you love alongside you.

Day 3, Group Practice. A live Heart iQ circle where you're seen without performing and held without explaining. And where you'll experience what it feels like to be open AND boundaried at the same time. That's the piece most people say they've never experienced anywhere else.

This is for you if you're someone who feels deeply but sometimes loses yourself in the process. If you've done a lot of inner work but still notice yourself either shutting down or over-giving in the moments that matter most. If you sense that what you need isn't more openness but a better relationship with your own boundaries.

This is not for you if you want passive content or a quick fix. These are live, participatory sessions. They only work if you show up.

The Experience is completely free and standalone. Throughout the three days I'll share how this work connects to our 90-Day Challenge for those who want to go deeper, but the Experience itself is the real thing. You'll walk away with practices you can use that same week.

I've spent 25 years teaching people to open their hearts. What I'm learning now is that the real practice isn't just opening. It's learning to stay open without losing yourself in the process. And that's what we'll be exploring together.

**Comment OPEN below and I'll send you everything you need before Day 1.**👇

Tag someone who needs to hear this. Especially someone who gives too much of themselves and calls it love.

OPEN 👇