In some recurring relationship patterns, both people can find actions they want to take responsibility for. The Advanced Acknowledgement Process invites that reflection after one person has begun naming their contribution.
Looking at your own response
When a partner acknowledges something painful, it may bring relief. This practice asks whether there is also something you want to recognise about your own behaviour: withdrawing, withholding information or responding in ways that make contact harder.
The reflection needs to be voluntary and specific. Responsibility is not automatically equal. Another person remains responsible for abuse, coercion or harmful behaviour; the person harmed did not cause it by failing to respond differently.
Staying in contact
Christian describes avoiding two traps: using an acknowledgement to claim superiority, or collapsing into shame. The aim is to remain able to listen, recognise what is true and consider what needs to change.
Shalini’s account below describes one relationship in which mutual acknowledgement helped both people reconnect.
Through the Eyes of a Student
By Shalini Tewari
‘When I’m in pain, I know that I go into avoidance and withdraw from you. I don’t respond to your texts for several days and when I do, I don’t acknowledge the pain this causes you. I can understand why this would then trigger your anger and set you off. This can sometimes spiral into unhealthy dynamics between us and that’s not all on you.’
My partner and I are having a heart-to-heart conversation after the events of our weekend away together. It brought up many of the prior instances when our interactions caused tension between us.
He is sharing the role he plays and how his actions contribute to either prolonging the discomfort or enhancing it.
It seems as though by my acknowledging what I did that didn’t work in our relationship, he naturally felt the desire to communicate and take responsibility for his part.
I am pleasantly surprised. It makes me feel less crazy about those times when I felt like I would over boil from his radio silence. I feel myself relax and breathe deeply.
There is a sense of expansion in knowing that the uncomfortable and unpleasant dynamics that show up in our relating are co-created together. And both parties recognising and acknowledging this feels freeing and precious.
As he shared, I had a sense that going forward, I would be able to take space and avoid going into a triggered overreaction by recognising that this is one of his defensive responses to pain.
It also gives me the opportunity to explore the part of me that tolerates this behaviour, and to check in to see if my needs are coming from a place of collapse, or if they are valid and require a boundary to be set.
‘When you took responsibility for your action that don’t work in our relationship, I felt a softness and desire to look at how I also contribute to our closure.
I cannot promise that I won’t react in the same way in the future, but perhaps I will come back into my heart more quickly, knowing how my defenses make you feel, and how this reaction creates further discord and distance between us.’
Without making false promises, my partner is offering a compromise for his learned and longtime defense strategy, and that gives me a sense of patience and understanding to continue on our journey together.
This acknowledgment process has created space for both of us to notice when we might be looking out through the lenses of our limiting beliefs and utilizing strategies to protect us.
And once again, regardless of how the relationship unfolds, our hearts are open to one another, and our willingness to continue the exploration grows.
Recording notes
The two traps
Christian names two ways this practice can go wrong. The first is getting 'on your high horse' when a partner finally acknowledges something painful, using their honesty as proof you were right all along. The second is collapsing into shame, apologising excessively rather than staying grounded. He describes the aim as staying 'level' and 'in connection', which he links directly to where intimacy becomes possible.
No fixed answers
He stresses there is no scripted response. The practice works by tracking what feels true in the body and in the field between two people, noticing when something lightens or the heart opens, rather than reciting an expected line.
Limitation
The recording describes this as one of the more demanding practices in the series and notes that the skill lies less in the practice itself and more in learning to sense and track relational dynamics accurately, which takes ongoing work rather than a single session.
The Advanced Acknowledgement Process
- Partner A names what they bring to the relationship that doesn't work
- Partner B receives this without claiming the moral high ground
- Partner B considers whether there is a specific contribution they also want to acknowledge.
- Both partners stay level, avoiding shame on one side and self-righteousness on the other
- Consider what each person needs and what behaviour needs to change.
