This reflection comes from the first couples-only Intimacy Redefined retreat at New Eden in early 2024. The week helped me see more clearly how much practice is involved in caring for a relationship.
A shared practice for couples
We had completed the first Intimacy Redefined retreat run exclusively for couples, co-facilitated with Larissa. Nine couples joined us for a week-long journey at New Eden in the Netherlands, twenty-two people in total once you include the assistant team. I've run relational deep dives before that included singles, and I still believe there's real value in that mix, singles can take a beautiful imprint from watching couples work. But running this one as couples-only produced a different quality of relaxation in the room, something closer to safety, that felt worth naming.
The whole week was built around a single practice I call the connection ritual, something I've developed over many years into a protocol any couple can use. The idea is simple to describe even though the practice itself takes skill. Partners agree to come together regularly, whether daily, every other day or weekly, and take time to attune to one another and track what's happening in the body. From there they share a headline, a summary of what's actually alive and needed. I've simplified this down to three possible spaces: does the couple need to repair something after a rupture, do they need to regulate a nervous system that's gone anxious or overwhelmed, or do they have the capacity to expand into new territory together, perhaps a polarity practice or a harder conversation that asks for vulnerability.
What mattered most wasn't the framework itself but what it revealed. The structure works like a riverbank, it doesn't dictate what happens on a given day, it simply asks each person to check in with where they're at and what's needed. Every couple went onto the mat during the week and practiced this repeatedly, refining it each time. What became clear to Larissa and me both was that a week isn't long enough to build real mastery in this. There's so much skill involved in tracking accurately, discerning projections from truth, and finding the words for an honest headline.
Leadership can move between partners
One thing that stayed with me from the week is the idea that if a couple wants a genuinely conscious relationship, both people need to become skilled facilitators of their own connection. That doesn't map onto the old cultural pattern where one partner, often assumed to be the man, leads and the other follows. It's about who's clearest in the moment, who has more capacity, who's more connected to what's true right now. That insight helped me understand why facilitation has mattered so much to me over the years. It isn't really about learning to run a circle. It's about learning to facilitate yourself back into connection, and in relationship, learning to help your partner find their way back to the heart too.
Learning beyond a single retreat
By the end of the week, Larissa and I felt that these skills deserved time and repeated practice. Tracking what is happening, distinguishing a projection from a clear observation, and finding an honest headline are things a couple can keep learning together. The retreat gave us a place to begin; ordinary life gives the practice somewhere to continue.
The Connection Ritual
- Come together at an agreed regular interval
- Attune to one another and track what's happening in the body
- Share a headline naming what's alive right now
- Discern which of three states applies: repair, regulate, or expand
- Use tools suited to that state to move the connection forward
