When someone triggers us, we may begin forming a story about who they are. In this practice, Christian invites us to examine that story and ask what it may also reveal about ourselves.
We create these judgements and stories about others we are triggered by as a defence mechanism to avoid feeling parts of ourselves that are being mirrored back to us.
Put another way, we are unconsciously rejecting and abandoning a part of us that doesn't want to be seen or felt.
Learning to unpack our judgements to discover where we are not loving ourselves is a powerful life and relationship skill.
Learn more about this skill by watching the video above.
Through the Eyes of a Student
By Shalini Tewari
There is silence in the space as we wait for someone to begin the exercise. We are in the practice of sharing judgments about another and no one wants to be the first to start.
Last week we explored how to share withholds, the unspoken truths that we hold in connection to others that cause tension or contraction in their presence. Layered into this practice are the assumptions or conclusions we make about others that might go along with those withholds.
Even though we have learned that judgments are projections of ourselves and not necessarily truths about the other, it’s bringing up fear and hesitation in the group. No one wants to voice these parts of us for fear of being rejected or cause pain in another. Someone in the circle begins by sharing a ‘nice’ judgment. While the tension eases a little with this share, we are all aware that this is not the real practice.
Finally, a judgment that isn’t so easy to hear or deliver is shared.
‘I judge you to be the type of woman who cares a lot about what others think of you, as though your actions are being scrutinised and therefore you act in accordance to how you think others would like to receive you instead of being authentic.’
We all take a deep breath. The next step is to take ownership of that part in you that have yet to be integrated.
‘Just like me. As I share this with you, I notice the part of me that really cares how I am received. The difference is that there is a part in me that rebels and feels repulsed by being inauthentic, so I instead come off strong and act out bluntly.
What’s coming up for me is a memory of having shared my vulnerable truth as a child and not being received lovingly. Instead, I had those truths come back to bite me as a point of weakness and used later as examples of why others didn’t love me.’
The receiver of this judgment let’s out a sigh of relief. We are witnessing the importance of bringing our truths fully in this exercise. To really let go of the fear of sharing our withholds and judgments holds so much medicine for everyone involved. We are learning that our judgments about others are really about deeper truths and wounds from our own past.
The understanding that these shares do not have to hold any truth for the receiver also allows the space taker to speak openly and honestly. If something comes up for the receiver, it is a good indication of something in them that has yet to be integrated.
The circle is lit up by this process and one by one, the judgments start flowing more easily. It’s a liberating and profound experience.
Recording Notes
This recording is a teaching session within a longer group practice, building on a previous week's work on sharing withholds, the unspoken truths held in connection to others that create tension. Christian introduces the added layer of sharing and owning judgements, defined here as negative interpretations, stories or conclusions about another person that are not based on fact or genuine closeness.
Key distinctions made in the session
- Judgements may contain some truth about the other person, but Christian is clear they are also worth examining as a possible reflection of something unintegrated in the person making the judgement.
- He distinguishes this practice from positive projection (idealising someone), which is a different phenomenon not covered in this exercise.
- He names a common obstacle: people in personal development or spiritual communities sometimes deny having judgements at all, adopting a stance of universal compassion that avoids acknowledging judgement as a normal human experience. Christian argues that acknowledging judgement honestly is the necessary first step to becoming free of its effects, rather than pretending it does not exist.
- He describes trauma, disembodiment and dissociation as reasons some people struggle to feel their own judgements, distinct from those who deny judgement as a belief or ideal.
On receiving judgement from others
Christian shares his own approach to being on the receiving end of someone's judgement: rather than rejecting it outright as pure projection, he looks for the smaller percentage that might hold something true about him, while still holding the other person responsible for doing their own work to own their projection. He frames the practice as one requiring compassion between participants, since it can land as a personal attack, especially if someone shares bluntly or without care.
Permission and discernment
This exercise depends on an agreed setting and willingness to participate. Exploring projection does not mean every concern about another person is false, or that harmful behaviour should be ignored. A listener can disagree, pause or decline.
Working with a judgement
- Notice the judgement and the contraction or negative charge it carries
- Acknowledge it honestly rather than denying it exists
- Ask where, even partially, it might reflect something true about yourself
- Take ownership of the part of you being mirrored
- If the other person welcomes the conversation, share both the judgement and what you recognise in yourself.
