Acknowledgement begins with naming something about our own behaviour that is not helping a relationship. It can make space for an honest conversation, without assuming responsibility is equal or that one person caused another’s harmful actions.
Feeling heard
When a concern is repeatedly dismissed, a person may stop bringing it forward. Acknowledgement can sound simple: “I do that. I can understand the impact. Thank you for telling me.” It means taking seriously what is being said and looking honestly at the part that fits.
This applies to people of any gender. Listening does not require accepting every interpretation as fact, but it does ask us to consider the other person’s experience rather than immediately defending ourselves.
There is a way back from a scenario such as this, and it is all about each partner taking responsibility for their part in areas of the relationship that aren’t presently working and being heard and reassured that their truth is appreciated and that deeper intimacy is the desired end goal.
Owning a behaviour without collapsing into shame
The practice is to name a specific action and its impact while staying present. It is possible to take responsibility without making your entire self wrong. The other person also needs room to respond, rather than being asked to reassure you immediately.
The acknowledgement practice
In todays blog you’re going to see how to practice this verbal acknowledgement with an exercise that you can do with another person, or even a group of people, to increase your connection and intimacy.
In this powerful intimacy exercise, each partner is invited to take responsibility for whatever they may be bringing to the relationship that is detrimental to the partnership in some way. The beauty of this exercise is that it allows both partners to be seen and validated; it is incredibly heart-opening and powerful. It clears the air of all those unspoken issues that can easily accumulate and fester if we’re not mindful of staying open about them.
A useful question is “Where are they right?” You can consider that while keeping your own discernment and boundaries.
Pay attention to how you feel as you watch the demos. Notice if you can relate to some of the acknowledgments shared by the group members. Even without participating, do you feel more connected with the people in the video simply by witnessing this interaction?
Sharing heart-felt acknowledgement tends to increase relaxation and compassion in those receiving the acknowledgment. Just like how in tracking we must FIRST know where we are before we can get to where we want to go, in our relationships we need to understand what’s NOT working before we can fully claim what we want to make our connection better.
Trying the basic structure
Here's the outline of the basic version of this practice. A full version of this exercise, along with other practices, appears in Christian's book Insights To Intimacy: How Relationships Fail and How To Make Them Work.
If you both want to explore this, choose a time and setting where either person can pause or stop.
PART 1:
1) One person starts and shares, “One thing I bring to my relationship that doesn’t work is ________." (OR “One thing I’ve brought to my past relationships that doesn’t work is …”)
2) The other person uses the same statement to share one thing they bring or have brought that doesn’t work.
3) Take turns, leaving enough time to hear one another. Share what is true for you, without inventing an admission to keep the exchange balanced.
PART 2:
4) When it feels right after at least a few turns each, start to add the second part of what you want: “One thing I bring to my relationship that doesn’t work is ________ AND what I want is ___________.”
5) Go back and forth sharing both parts of what doesn’t work and what you want until you feel a natural stopping place. Share with each other about how you felt during this exchange, from both the sharing and receiving side. Did it feel safe? Enjoyable? Did you feel defensive? Do you feel closer and more connected to each other now?
Recording Notes
The two linked demos in this article, along with a third demo supplied from the same teaching series, all show Christian working live with a volunteer to model the acknowledgement practice.
Demo One
Christian opens by challenging the instinct to put your best foot forward in relationship. He argues that striving for perfection distances people from connection, drawing a comparison to marketing advice that authenticity outperforms polish. He then works with a volunteer named Sally, alternating statements that begin "One thing I bring to my relationship that doesn't work is..." He frames this as agreeing with whoever is challenging you and then showing them another way, rather than defending or listing your positive qualities.
Demo Two
Continuing the same exchange, Christian names what he sees as the underlying mechanism: connection comes from shared humanity and flaws rather than from greatness. He then adds a second layer to the practice, instructing participants to follow each admission of what doesn't work with a statement of what they want instead, kept brief and without justifying stories attached.
Demo Three
A separate, fuller demonstration with a participant named Sara follows the same two-part structure. Christian adds an observation here that acknowledgement can feel easier to offer a relative stranger than an intimate partner, comparing it to how someone might cry more freely at a film than in front of their own partner, because of the entrenched patterns built into long-term relationship dynamics.
The Acknowledgement Practice
- Name one thing you bring to the relationship that doesn't work
- Let your partner or friend respond, without requiring an equivalent admission.
- Once a rhythm forms, add what you want in its place
- Notice how it feels to speak and to receive without defending
